The Guardian has pulled together a special report on India’s missing Girls. Thanks to Asu for putting the link for it in Macchiato or i may not have come across this at all.
The article details the very real problems of a patriarchal society (Patriarchy: a society in which the oldest male is the leader of the family, or a society controlled by men in which men use their power to their own advantage) in one of the most populous nations of the world. Due to economic progress the situation has worsened since it has become even costlier to have a daughter and see her married. Some of us may read and think thats an isolated problem and something restricted to India. I will concede that yes the problem and its permutations have manifested themselves most obviously in India but the practice of patriarchy is still alive and kicking, albeit in a diluted form, all over the world.
Before i proceed to detail what my issues with the practice of patriarchy are let me say that i’m not a feminist. I have never felt the urge to burn my bra or go without shaving my armpits. What i am is a woman who is comfortable with my feminine side. I enjoy being different from men and have no problems with not being able to do everything that a man can. Men have their strengths and i have mine. I work for my living and what i want is to be equally considered for employment, for promotion, for my rights as a citizen to be heard and most importantly to be viewed as someone who is in her own way and in the eyes of her community and society someone who contributes and as such is as ‘worthy’ as my male counterparts.
I have never lived in India and always thought i was part of a progressive society since my family have been born and raised in Singapore for 3 generations now. I was mistaking economic progress for social and cultural enlightenment. When i was little i remember conversations my mother had with other women where they would ask “So you have no son?” and that would be followed by sounds of commiseration. It was never taken into account that instead of a son what she had were 2 healthy, active and intelligent daughters.
My parents as well are quite patriarchal and in hindsight i think it was the forceful determination of my sister and myself which helped push them toward a more progressive approach to a woman’s place in the world at-large. We were not encouraged to participate in sports since its not considered a girls activity and getting their approval for swimming lessons was quite a fight. When i began to be fascinated with martial arts my father had an “over my dead body” approach to that. The same applied when i thought of learning how to ride a motorcycle. In their defense they ensured my sister and I were educated to a point where we could earn our own living and not have to be financially dependent on any man.
Now as i find myself ready to settle down i have other concerns with patriarchy. The tools of patriarchy have changed to fit to the socio-economic dynamics of Singapore but the system remains the same. When 2 families are ready to introduce their offspring the girls side begins to automatically defer to the guys side because they do not want to run the risk of offending them. Girls do have the right to say ‘no’ but inevitably then will follow the remarks of ‘you’re too picky’ etc. Its quite ironic that a society that expects you to give up your identity and your home to take on another’s identity and instill yourself in his home faults women for wanting to be very careful about that decision.
Then there is the expectation that should the young couple not be ready to live on their own that they would move in with the guys’ parents and look after them in their old age. My son-less parents are the objects of much concern and sometimes pity since they have no-one to look after them. Why shouldn’t a woman’s parents be the choice for a couple to live with? I believe everyone’s parents are important and its up to the children to ensure that their parents are as well looked after in their old age as the children were when the parents were at the helm of that responsibility. My parents would never expect this and be quite aghast if i vocalized this to them but do I not have the right to want to care for my parents in the way that they cared for me? Do my parents and my options as a child have to be limited by my gender?
I was talking this issue over with my sister this morning and she made the point that change is effected by the individual and not society. I strongly believe this and we made a pact to raise avant-garde children who will be instilled with the belief that women and men have their own place in life and they are both equal and complimentary. The role of genetics and the prevalent culture of the time of my children will undoubtedly have a pervasive influence in how my children turn out but if nothing else i hope they will get from me the mind that questions and in questioning find answers that fit for them.
The world today is not my vision of utopia and that may frankly be boring if you realize it. I strive to affect what change i can in what matters to me and am lucky to have people (both men and women) who share similar thoughts as i do and who are unafraid to go against the tide if they have to. I must clarify that while patriarchy has its set of problems i do not believe it to be the the cause of all evil. It is we the people who take advantage or allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by an unfair system. Change in the patriarchal society of today will not be because men believe that women are their equal partners. The change will only happen when the women believe that because of their differences they are just as good and as a parental unit they re-inforce that message to their children.
I’m starting with the children in my family. When will you start with yours?
